My name is Ryan, and I am a believer in recovery and I struggle with alcohol, drugs, pornography and anger. Before Celebrate Recovery, my life was one big chaotic cycle. I had a desire to do what was right for God, my family and me, but I always fell short. I would medicate with one of my addictions, feel better for a brief moment, and become overwhelmed with guilt and shame. Once the negative feelings subsided, I would begin the cycle once again.
I was raised in the church. In my childhood, I learned to put on masks for everyone at church. My brothers and I were always told that our family troubles were never to be discussed outside the home. While I do not think it is good to air your dirty laundry in public, I do feel we need to be real with each other, especially at church.
At about the age of 10, I found my first pornographic materials. A switch flipped in my young mind. I liked the escape looking at these images brought me. Pornography was my first drug. It was the first thing I would use to escape the pain and fear my life so often brought me. My addiction to pornography would haunt me for 27 more years. It would follow me as a young adult, perverting my relationships and view of women. It even entered with me into my marriage, driving a hidden wedge between my wife and me. She would catch me, but I would hide it even more. As I got older, I later added alcohol, tobacco and drugs to the list of frequently used medications I had to cope with life. For so many years, the only sense of relief I felt was through self-medicating. During this time, my wife and I were regularly attending a local church and even leading children’s Sunday school.
In 2011, one of my customers invited me to Celebrate Recovery at Mobberly. He wanted me to get involved as a leader. You see, Paul had no idea I was an alcoholic, porn addict who struggled to keep things going. I was functioning and covering it up well, but I began to unravel. I politely made some excuse why I could not attend. Time went by, and my addictions worsened until I had finally had enough.
I decided to make a change. I was broken, lost, filled with shame, overwhelmed with guilt and determined to find freedom.
Ultimately, I believe that the first day I came to CR is when I really turned my life over to God’s care. I was finally at my end; now, God could begin the work He had planned for me.
My relationship with Christ has changed every facet of my being. He is now the fire deep within, which moves me forward in my recovery. I am growing in the understanding of His grace and mercy. Now when I slip up, I do not wallow in self-pity. Instead, I simply get up and press on towards recovery.
This program has restored my marriage. It has allowed me to become a Godly father leading both my children in the way of Truth. I have let go of so much baggage that once prevented me from moving freely within my own life. I have dreams now, God-given, fulfilling dreams and goals. I now use my gifts and talents to worship, teach, and lead others to Him.
I am still learning and forgiving myself for my past actions. God is still healing, and teaching me new things every week. I am more aware of my frailty than ever before. I need Jesus every second, or I will still do the wrong thing.
I treat my wife with love and respect, striving to be an example of Christ to her and others. We are in a better place in our marriage than ever. I am finally the spiritual leader God has called me to be. I am the hands and feet of Jesus Christ. I am FREE!
